05/10/23: Club Cars – Unmentionable


Everyone’s favourite, RevoSlot Toyota Supra club cars, returned this week for another round of crash-strewn racing.

Despite some serious abuse and colossal crashes in previous rounds, the cars are still remarkably intact. If you’re myopic, you might even describe them as still being attractive, which is a lot more than Lee’s tongue could be described as. He’d arrived with a dose of “manky tongue” and was very happy to show anyone who was interested, although unusually reticent about its cause. So, this being Molesey, everyone waited until Lee’s back was turned and guessed at the cause themselves.

A number of theories were put forward: leprosy, mildew, his habit of licking other people’s tyres to clean them after they’ve crashed. Each of those was quickly dismissed and the group eventually settled on it being caused by Mrs Lee’s preference for the unmentionable, which, for reasons of decency, shall remain unmentionable for now. Shame. Instead, we’ll move on to the racing.

Group 1 was the slower of the two groups this week and they’d hit upon a novel idea to reduce the number of crashes happening during the race: crash during the warm-up laps for each heat instead. There were so many crashes during those warm-up laps that by the time each heat started, the drivers had exhausted themselves and managed to stay on track pretty well. It’s an unusual method, for sure, but it definitely improved the racing.

Heat 1, and Simon in Group 2 driving the favoured red car opened up a four-second lead over Lee at the head of the race. Group 1’s Mario, also in red lane, had put in a solid drive and was sitting in fifth place overall. Every car was handling a little better than in previous weeks, thanks to Lee rounding each car’s tyre edges prior to the race. He didn’t say whether he’d used a tyre truer or his manky tongue and, fearful of contagion, nobody dared look too closely, but the improvement in the cars was appreciated by all.

At half-distance, Lee had overtaken Simon to take top spot, David held third, Alex fourth and Graham fifth. Chris, Neil, the Tomster and Dexter held the next four places in a tight midfield battle, the quartet covered by just three seconds. Joss, after such a good showing the previous week in Sideways GT3, was struggling at the back of the field.

The second half of the race saw a lot of close racing but few position changes. Simon regained the lead from Lee in Heat 4, Graham briefly snatched fourth from Alex in Heat 5, and in the final heat Lee retook the lead and Alex grabbed fourth by just 0.29 from Graham. The podium’s one two three was Lee from Simon from David.

Club cars are out again on the 9th of November, by which time Lee’s manky tongue had better be better, because journalistic requirements (i.e., padding for these race reports) mean that the unmentionable can only remain unmentionable for so long…