Unforeseen circumstances meant a surprise return for the Molesey spies this week, so the race report once again comprises speculation, titillation and, just maybe, a tiny portion of fact.
However, given that those unforeseen circumstances also reduced the attendance to a measly six drivers, there wasn’t much interesting racing fact for the spies to report, so we’ll concentrate instead on the speculation and titillation.
First things first. Josh won, Julian didn’t, Baz displayed shocking judgement by replacing a decent set of tyres that were working well for him in practice with a terrible pair for the race, scuppering any hope he had of finishing anything other than last, and also sweeping a helpful layer of dust over his lane in every heat, which didn’t do wonders for Julian’s race either, Julian being the unfortunate soul who had to race in the lane immediately after Baz had trashed it. Whether it was sufficiently trashed to be the entire cause of Julian’s four-lap deficit to Josh is a matter of endless speculation, but racers being racers, any excuse to justify a poor performance is always enthusiastically grabbed. Some just need so many excuses for their shiteness that they’d need something the size of a skip to carry them in. No names mentioned, obviously!
The coded telegram mentions 1960s female TV stars, ice creams and the words tactile and Terry. I’m open-minded and have a vivid imagination, but even I’m stumped. Marianne Faithfull and Mick Jagger allegedly made good use of a Mars bar (click the link below if you’re too young to remember), so knowing that Terry is a bit of a perv with a penchant for weird titillation, it’s hard to conclude anything other than that he got busy with an ice cream while his fellow racers shouted the names of his favourite 1960s TV pin-ups. No wonder he only finished third. Nice excuse though!