Damn Covid. Not only has it messed our racing up, it’s also meant that your correspondent has had to recruit a spy or two in an effort to provide you with a race report, and you know what that means, don’t you? Chinese whispers, second-hand gossip and a note written in a code that I couldn’t quite decipher.
So, in an effort to spare the blushes of the guilty, make some sense of the garbled information that reached me and protect the sweet and innocent, some names have been changed and scenes guessed at for dramatic purposes.
First off, I’m told that someone called Julia returned. Apparently she was rusty and smelled of tropical fish, but Josh, never one to let a chance slip by and definitely not put off by a fishy pong, went at her hammer and tongs, Julia at one point so overcome with excitement that she ended up on the floor.
Then we had Graham Spot, Terry Hardon and Spanker Matthews. Graham, a quietly unassuming and clean-living chap who’d turned up expecting a slot car race, spent the evening pursued relentlessly by the Hardon. Luckily Spanker, who’d been greased, primed and warmed-up by Josh, slipped in between them and soaked up everything the Hardon could give him.
Meanwhile, it says here that Mr Green turned up with an old slapper who teetered around every corner exposing her undercarriage and coming last. It also says that Spanker came first early on and that Josh came first at the end, but that’s way too much information for me, thanks.
Please, Mr Covid, sod off and let us get back to racing once a week. Writing this nonsense is hard enough when I’ve witnessed events first-hand, but making it up based on whispers is a step too far.