21/03/24: Formula 1 – A Hyperactive Maggot

A Hyperactive Maggot.

Is it possible to have a sequel just seven days after its predecessor, because if it is, this week’s meeting should really be called Crash Fest 5. If last week’s race was crash-strewn, this week’s was worse, although on this occasion the majority of crashes happened during pre-race practice. Whatever food or drug or gas the drivers are using as part of their pre-race preparation, it sure isn’t working for most of them.

To the casual observer the clubroom resembled a typical slot car club – grown men tinkering with tools, fiddling with little cars, laughing, joking and wondering whether Alex will ever reduce his harem of girlfriends to just one favourite – but it was an illusion. What those ageing bodies seemed actually to be concealing was a bunch of hyperactive children desperate to smash their cars at high speed into the nearest wall. Well, all except the Tomster. He’s simply a hyperactive child wrapped in a hyperactive child’s body, on this occasion sporting a big white plastic maggot poking out of one ear. The Tomster’s nuts at the best of times, but this was downright weird.

Still, regardless of whether the drivers were actually adults, children, a sex addict or the Tomster, there was a race to be run and all of them were in it.

Heat 1, group 1 (the slower of the two groups this week) and after a surprisingly uneventful first lap, normal service was resumed and cars started flying everywhere. Neil emerged the winner after a fierce battle with Mario, who’s quietly and steadily improved over the past year and is now reaping the reward for his perseverance. The Tomster and his maggot were spared the ignominy of finishing last by James, who was hampered by what can only be described as a god-awful car with next to no grip. Just getting the thing to the finish inside three minutes was pretty impressive.

Group 2 was a lot better, Simon heading David and Chris to go into heat 2 as the top three overall.

Group 1’s heat 2 confounded all expectations. The marshals had made predictions for the number of crashes there would be, six or seven being the popular guess. Just six or seven? Were they having a laugh? How about nineteen? Yes, you read that right. Group 1 had nineteen crashes in a fifteen-lap heat. And seventeen in heat 3. The dictionary doesn’t have a word for it. FFS!!

Things calmed down after heat 3 and the remaining racing was actually pretty damned good, even though there weren’t many changes of position. Simon was the class of the field and spent the race trying to break a lane record, eventually succeeding with a 7.489 in blue lane on his way to a comfortable victory. David was second, Chris third and Neil the best of group 1 in fourth place overall.

James was very impressive in his last heat. Having struggled all night with a car he’d borrowed from Mario, which had no wings, dreadful tyres and was missing the front fixing screw from its motor pod, he borrowed a decent set of tyres from David for heats 5 and 6 and, despite the motor pod being unfixable and the car a wreck, did an astonishing 8.100 lap in his last heat. It wasn’t a fluke either, as he rattled off a succession of 8.1 laps. Yes, in two heats he destroyed David’s tyres, but it makes you wonder what James will be capable of once he’s got to grips with building his own car and has a few more races under his belt. Well done James.

So that’s it for F1 for now. The RevoSlot Toyota Supra club cars are next. Excitement guaranteed!